identity theft, anyone?

i recently had to apply for a social security card due to an exciting mugging i experienced about 3 years ago.

the purpose of this post is to tell you how dumb the social security administration is, but first, i suppose i'll tell you about the aforementioned street crime.

my mother, step-father, and step-sister were headed out for an enjoyable evening at the dixie classic fair in winston-salem.

for those of you not from our great state, let me tell you a bit about our delightfully hickish sights to see at the fair. there are impressive livestock displays, in which you are more than welcome to bid on and purchase beasts should you spot yourself a fine sow or rooster. other events include pig races and tractor pulls. pig races are exactly what they sound like, and i'm not going to lie--they're awesome. tractor pulls are basically displays of brute engine strength, as tractors try to pull heavy things behind them in a muddy arena. they inadvertently pop tractor wheelies when they're just not tough enough to handle it. think of it as a really slow, low impact monster truck rally. we also have the standard assortment of rickety fair rides, rip-off games, large, spooky stuffed animals, and unsavory 'carnies.' i'm not certain that 'carnie' is a politically correct term -- so forgive any offense. you can clog your arteries to your heart's content (HA) with delicacies such as deep-fried candy bars, elephant ears, cotton candy, and those barbaric looking turkey legs -- all of which is delicious. it really is a grand ol' time.

so this is what we were all expecting as we made our way to the dixie classic -- an evening of gluttony, smelly livestock (which everyone in my family loves--seriously), and rides that made you fear for your life. good times to be had by all.

i suppose i should've realized things might not be headed in that direction when we parked on a street called 'boneyard road.' this avenue was at least 1/3 of a mile from the fairgrounds, and was 'patrolled' by a shifty fellow wearing a non-descript orange t-shirt who claimed said parking area was secure. secure from what? folks besides him who might try to rob my car? i had my doubts, but since the step-sibling (cherisse) and i were following my parents in a separate car, and they were paying for parking, i didn't argue.

sigh.

we arrived around 7:30 or so, and everything was fine. we enjoyed viewing pygmy goats and eating bratwursts and such for about 2 hours. at that point, my parents decided to head out, and cherisse and i decided to be bad-ass late-stage adolescents and stay out. i was 20, cherisse was 17. we could handle this shit.

or not.

as the evening wore on, the crowd became rougher. i smelled pot a couple of times, but chose not to be alarmed because my experiences with potheads is that they're quite docile. in my experiences with marijuana i could hardly move, except to shove the third full sized sheet cake into my mouth, so i figured we were in no danger. i saw a couple of cops break up fights and such. all of this should've been our cue to leave. but alas, we stayed. until around 11:30.

the crowd was ready to rumble at that point. we'd received a couple of racial slurs (in the end, probably a good lesson for me to learn what it feels like to truly be judged for things i can't control) and there were more fights. we decided it was probably (way past) time to go.

this is the point at which i must say that my step-sister has better instincts than me. way better. cherisse suggested that we might have an officer walk us to our car. i responded with a very bad-ass "sure, if you want to, that's cool. either way is fine with me." so nonchalant in the face of gangs. booya. i suppose that since i seemed comfortable doing the walk alone, cherisse decided to go along with it.

so we elected to brave it ourselves. we made it to the jeep we were driving, and i immediately saw that the window was busted out and the CD player missing. now, this is the first time i'd ever really been confronted with something that could induce absolute panic. not because i was worried about the CD player (the thief might score a big $5 off that), but because i'd never been confronted with any sort of crime or violence or thing such as that. but, being a bad-ass and all, i became very centered (i'm the least centered person on the planet), and calmly told cherisse to get in the jeep so we could get on home.

i noodled the keys to the jeep out of my purse to unlock the door. the keyless entry was broken, of course. as i approached the side of the jeep, some asshat ran up behind me and grabbed me, at which point i screamed at him to take the purse and just kinda tossed it away from me. although it's more fun to say i threw it at him. that's right, i'll teach you!

needless to say, that was the end of the purse, which contained: both of our cell phones, my wallet, all of our money, and probably some super cool lipsmackers lip gloss and a tampon or two. thank GOD we had the keys out and could drive away, because i kid you not when i say that someone pushing a stroller saw all this happen and did nothing. yikes.

after that, we headed home, unharmed, and me still CREEPILY calm (those of you who know me can attest that this is rather unusual). it was a less than pleasant departure from the coliseum/fairgrounds, as we received many a racial slur through the window that was no more. but we made it home in one piece, at which point we roused the parents (who flipped out, naturally). i was not interested in filing a police report, because i felt confident that the officers had more pressing matters at hand, but my dear mother made me. then she got mad because i flirted on the phone with the officer who took the report till 3 am. woops.

as you may have guessed, i never did see that purse again. many things were lost, including my social security card. so, um, don't carry your social in your wallet. at the time i was genuinely more pissed that the $120 i had made at lonestar steakhouse waiting tables the night before had been nabbed. and that's probably the only thing the hoodlum who stole my purse used, anyway.

right, so now we're actually nearing the point of the story. first of all, my identity theoretically could've been stolen at that point. i've never been much of a worrier, thankfully, and by keeping an eye on the ol' credit report i've known that i stayed in the clear since then and have also managed to avoid a nervous breakdown. but there's really not much that can be done if your SSN is stolen -- it's not like the government will assign you a new one. just monitor that shit.

so finally, i decided after three years that it was time to get a new card. i went to the social security office in durham with all my info and applied. it was a lot less painful than i thought it would be. w00t.

now here, at long last, is the crazy part, and the purpose of this entire post.

think of all the money, time, and energy people spend trying to protect their identities and guard their social security numbers. there are companies out there making millions off of people's outrageous fear of identity theft. it's an entire industry.

would you like to know how i received my social security card?

via regular, non-certified USPS mail, in an envelope clearly labeled with the return address SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION. what. the. hell. perhaps they'd like to re-label it 'steal me, it's just so damn easy.'

as if that weren't bad enough, it was in one of those envelopes with a window made of clear plastic so the pre-printed address could show from a piece of paper inside the envelope, and if you shook the envelope, YOU COULD SEE THE EDGE OF MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD.

surely you all see that this is absolutely asinine. now it's your job to go get angry about it and tell someone. and be sure, along the way, to tell everyone that you found out about this through a witty blog, the author of which should be given her own column in some publication and swiftly syndicated. good talk.

so um, yeah. i wouldn't advise losing--or reordering--a social security card, if you can help it.